Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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