cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
