I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
