Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
