if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
