Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
