Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
