We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something