I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.