In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital