so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
