Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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