If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
