I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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