I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
