FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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