I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
