Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
