My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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