I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night I used snow as a chaser
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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