Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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