I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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