The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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