We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
