Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
