All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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