i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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