Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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