Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit