somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
