Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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