dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
