If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
