I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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