right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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