He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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