I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How external is "for external use only"?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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