Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
