I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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