No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
