mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
