I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
