Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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