He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
