I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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