im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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