I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
