Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
