I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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