hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
