if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
