proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
