I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
