I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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