So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
