I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
