He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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