If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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