Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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