I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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