I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize