Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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