I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
