Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
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In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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